CHAPTER IX
"'LISTEN, Maksim Maksimych,' said Pech- orin. 'Mine is an
unfortunate dis- position; whether it is the result of my up- bringing or
whether it is innate -- I know not. I only know this, that if I am the cause
of un- happiness in others I myself am no less unhappy. Of course, that is
a poor consolation to them -- only the fact remains that such is the case. In
my early youth, from the moment I ceased to be under the guardianship of
my relations, I began madly to enjoy all the pleasures which money could
buy -- and, of course, such pleasures became irksome to me. Then I
launched out into the world of fashion -- and that, too, soon palled upon
me. I fell in love with fashionable beauties and was loved by them, but
my imagina- tion and egoism alone were aroused; my heart remained
empty. . . I began to read, to study -- but sciences also became utterly
wearisome to me. I saw that neither fame nor happiness depends on them
in the least, because the happiest people are the uneducated, and fame is
good fortune, to attain which you have only to be smart. Then I grew
bored. . . Soon after- wards I was transferred to the Caucasus; and that
was the happiest time of my life. I hoped that under the bullets of the
Chechenes boredom could not exist -- a vain hope! In a month I grew so
accustomed to the buzzing of the bullets and to the proximity of death that,
to tell the truth, I paid more attention to the gnats -- and I became more
bored than ever, because I had lost what was almost my last hope. When
I saw Bela in my own house; when, for the first time, I held her on my
knee and kissed her black locks, I, fool that I was, thought that she was an
angel sent to me by sympathetic fate. . . Again I was mistaken; the love
of a savage is little better than that of your lady of quality, the barbaric
ignorance and simplicity of the one weary you as much as the coquetry of
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the other. I am not saying that I do not love her still; I am grateful to her
for a few fairly sweet moments; I would give my life for her -- only I am
bored with her. . . Whether I am a fool or a villain I know not; but this is
certain, I am also most deserving of pity -- perhaps more than she. My
soul has been spoiled by the world, my imagination is unquiet, my heart
insatiate. To me everything is of little moment. I become as easily
accus- tomed to grief as to joy, and my life grows emptier day by day.
One expedient only is left to me -- travel.
"'As soon as I can, I shall set off -- but not to Europe. Heaven
forfend! I shall go to America, to Arabia, to India -- perchance I shall die
some- where on the way. At any rate, I am convinced that, thanks to
storms and bad roads, that last consolation will not quickly be exhausted!'
"For a long time he went on speaking thus, and his words have
remained stamped upon my memory, because it was the first time that I
had heard such things from a man of five-and-twenty -- and Heaven grant
it may be the last. Isn't it astonishing? Tell me, please," continued the
staff-captain, appealing to me. "You used to live in the Capital, I think,
and that not so very long ago. Is it possible that the young men there are
all like that?"
I replied that there were a good many people who used the same sort
of language, that, prob- ably, there might even be some who spoke in all
sincerity; that disillusionment, moreover, like all other vogues, having had
its beginning in the higher strata of society, had descended to the lower,
where it was being worn threadbare, and that, now, those who were really
and truly bored strove to conceal their misfortune as if it were a vice.
The staff-captain did not under- stand these subtleties, shook his head, and
smiled slyly.
"Anyhow, I suppose it was the French who introduced the fashion?"
"No, the English."
"Aha, there you are!" he answered. "They always have been arrant
drunkards, you know!"
Involuntarily I recalled to mind a certain lady, living in Moscow, who
used to maintain that Byron was nothing more nor less than a drunkard.
However, the staff-captain's observation was more excusable; in order to
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abstain from strong drink, he naturally endeavoured to convince himself
that all the misfortunes in the world are the result of drunkenness.